Two conversations people should really stop forcing women to have is “when are you getting married?” and “when are you having children?”. People have no clue what battles women are fighting (men either, but this article is from a woman’s perspective). Allow women to do these things in their own time.
This is a post that I have wanted to share for quite some time now. Certain things are out of our control, especially when it comes to conceiving and carrying a healthy child. I am 30 years old currently a first time mom to a happy and healthy baby. I give all thanks to God for carrying me this far. Throughout my life I have experienced multiple miscarriages and health issues. It is a difficult thing to have so much love for children and constantly question if you will ever be able to have any of your own.
I come from a small town and so many of my friends and family had their first child at a very young age. In my early twenties I was praised for not having children as if I was some prized race horse, some rare find unicorn or something. Once I hit my mid-twenties it was like I started being given the side eye for not having any children. I’ll never forget the first time I was insulted for not being a mother, a lady who was trying to get under my skin blurted out “well where are your kids with your old ass”, granted I was only 25. But having had so many miscarriages by this time, hell…I was silently wondering where they were too.
I first shared about my struggles with infertility in my book Own the Throne, and the feedback I got from some of my family members was unintentionally distasteful. “Well you had to be trying to have a baby with this many miscarriages”, as if it was a casual conversation you bring up at the dinner table. I walk boldly in my truth, because our power lies in our ability to walk in our truths.
Now that I am pregnant, there are more inappropriate conversations being initiated. For instance, I had a colleague ask if “we were trying to have a baby” …I debated walking her through my longstanding battle with infertility issues before politely redirecting her to mind her own damn business. I had another colleague who’s first response after finding out (no congratulations, etc.) “What did your parents say?”, as if I am some child that needed permission. Then the end all be all question was asked, “Are you getting married now?” …as if being pregnant is somehow synonymous with a shotgun wedding.
Marriage is not a “you might as well” kind of decision. Having been married before under the pretense of “I might as well” led to an abusive relationship and a messy divorce. It is easy to get married, even easier to get married to the wrong person, but it takes true work and dedication to have a healthy, fulfilling marriage. Don’t allow anyone to talk you into being a wife before you’re ready. Do things on your own time. Marriage is not the ultimate end goal for all women. The end goal should be a purposeful and happy life – whatever that looks like for YOU.